E has been part of my life since I was small, I don’t exactly remember when we first met but I know E has been around from about the time that I first started to have feelings. When I was little E used to make a special effort to make me feel embarrassed. As I got older I realized that E was also responsible for many of my feelings of anger, of resentment, and injustice.
The truth is, E has not always been a good influence in my life.
E doesn’t like to admit it but now we are both old enough to accept these facts without having to go into the dirty details. We used to have struggles in the past, gigantic quarrels really. Harming ourselves, but also those around us. Many innocent casualties were left in our wake. E was powerful and strong only because I was too busy thinking about life instead of living it.
Until one day I decided to live a life without E.
This was terrifying to me, after so many years of counting on E for so many things I couldn’t see how I could live a life otherwise.
Leaving E made life easier ..and I realized that E was only harming or upsetting me because I allowed it, because I looked for it instead of looking for a solution that did not include E.
I still see E,..though it’s not the same as it used to be between us. E knows I am in control now, knows I will not easily be persuaded. I still feel E creeping up on me in my most vulnerable moments, trying to ruffle my fur when I am least expecting it..but I know the signs and I know that in this life there can only be room for one of us if I want to live happily..
and that my Ego is going to have to be the one to go..